Not where I would want to be

Well, here it is.
4 months later.
3 days from the goal date.
I have not done what I wanted to do.
But the last thing I need to do is sulk, cry and feel sorry for myself.
I need to try and not be discouraged when I look at my reflection in the mirrors on my closet doors.
I need to try and not sob when I don't want my boyfriend to touch me because I feel so unattractive.

I need to get off my butt and take care of the body that God gave me.
The only one I will ever have.
People have been giving Kate Moss a hard time because of a quote she recently said...
"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"
While I don't think that is a good thing to promote to teenage girls...
I think it is a good thing for an emotional eater to think about.
When I'm sad
When I'm angry
When I'm happy
When I'm anything
I eat. and eat. and eat.

I need to have something else that is going to make me feel better... that will ACTUALLY make me feel better.

I have decided there is no other way. I gotta get back to working out and doing sparkpeople again.
And that is just what I'm going to do.

2 months ago Bryan and I picked out an engagement ring. He hasn't officially proposed yet, but one day it is going to happen. I want to have a long life with the man I love so dearly.
For me, for my family, for my love... I need to be healthy.
I will have my ups. I will have my downs.
Hopefully the ups triumph.

Get on it!

So, I'm a kind of on again off again girl, I have noticed.
Well, I am on again.

I always feel so much better when I get out and jog. My plan was to do so this morning before Bryan woke up. My laziness took over and I decided not too. Instead I ate a grilled cheese sandwich and a turkey melt too. Total of about 550ish calories.

Then as I was sitting on his bed going over some paperwork stuff Jeremy came in talking about how beautiful it is outside?

"What's that you say? It's not hot as balls out at noon?" With that information, I immediately put on my jogging shoes and put my green and white ear buds in my ears.

It was hard. I haven't gotten out to run in a while. And my stomach has been feeling very weird lately. I definitely felt like I was going to puke, but I got out there and did it. I'm proud.

I only have a little over 4 months now to lose 40lbs if I want to go to New York. I have got to get it together. I know I can do it. Now that I'm back to work, the stress of low money won't be there... maybe my life can finally come together. I can finally sleep soundly and not be a wreck all the time.

On another note.... I had a strange dream last night. Well, it was more normal that some dreams I have had in the past. But anyway... I was staying out with B and we went to hang out with some of his friends[which none of them looked familiar, by the way]. He was talking to one of his buddies and I felt like I knew what they were talking about, but I was to remain stupid. The next day we decided to go to this little antique place. Well, he started to point out rings, and there was one box that had a small picture of the two of us in it. So, I guess this was his way of asking me to marry him? I tried on the 4 rings that were in the box to see which one I liked. At the same time a sales lady was coming over to show me other ones.... and all the others were awful. Like, cheap gaudy rings. And she was a total bitch... I dunno, then I ended up waking up.
I just felt like I needed to share that dream with someone, cause I just don't feel like sharing that one with him :P

Where is the Banwagon, and how can I jump back on???!

So, yes... I haven't been doing so great the last few days. And I haven't been losing the weight I would like to. I'm very happy and excited for the 10 lbs and 12 inches this past month... the past two weeks should have brought more lbs lost and more inches gone. I slipped back into how "good" it feels to eat. Good in a sense that... food tastes good. I get bored, so I fill it with food. Yet after eating I feel like crap. All day I have been thinking about how much I want to go to this used book store that is about maybe 7 minutes away driving. Possibly 10. I don't want to drive. And it would take quite a while to walk. I want to ride a bike there. How wonderful would a bike ride to a used book store be? Fantastic.
Unfortunately my bike is at my parents house. And honestly, I'm afraid of what my fat ass will look like riding on a bicycle.

I wouldn't mind looking like this fat bottomed girl, however.

I really just need to get off my rump and make some good decisions. Why is the slothful life so easy and tempting?

Those dreams are back

It has been a year and a half since I've had them. The running dreams. The dreams that I had for a good stretch of time, that I deeply missed when they went away.

So here they are again.

It's so fluid, so easy, so.... incredible.

I don't know what it is. Well, I might know what it is. I want to be able to run so badly. One of my goals is just to be able to run a mile. I was never able to do it, not even in high school. It's hard on my joints, and I feel like I just have too much weight to see running as a possibility right now.
But yes... one day I will run that mile... and with all hopes... I will take that goal even further. A marathon maybe?

If Tara can do it... I can do it...

Oh, Where to start??

So, I'm sitting on my bed, really needing to go to sleep.
Up until the last ten minutes, this has been the most fantastic weekend ever.
Why is it that his ex still gets to me?
Long story short. I'm can be very insecure. Bryan was around for a long weekend, and he was signed into his msn account on his laptop(he leaves it here for me to use). Well, I hopped on the laptop to blog a bit before bed and there is an IM from her saying she left him a voicemail. Why can't I just leave well enough alone, and not worry about it? Of course I would like to know what she wanted, and if he talks to her often. He probably doesn't really, but I guess I wouldn't know. Anyway, I know he doesn't want to be with her. Believe me, I know my thoughts are irrational most of the time. I'm not really sure why I have the thoughts that I do.

So, I'm feeling shitty about that.

While we did have this fabulous weekend, it involved alot of food. I don't wanna know how much I ate this weekend. Four days of not really "scarfing" but very rich foods. I want... I NEED to get back to my regular way of living. Not only that... but I need to have that regular way of living while I'm with him. We can't have this destructive way of living be with us for the rest of our lives.

I'm feeling shitty about that too.

I'm also bumming about some news that I got about my paycheck. It was cut in half because apparently people don't realize that I need money to pay the bills.

Everything just makes me want to eat more and more.

I'm thinking that I'm just really looking forward to getting back to normal. My alarm clock is set to wake me up in enough time to take a walk in the morning before getting ready for work. Just gotta get my ass in gear

Laziness as of Late

Yep, that's been me, lazy, slothful... it sucks. Maybe after a bit of blogging today, I will get off my ass finally and get something done. Since my apartment is in shambles, I think I will start with cleaning... that will get a semi decent workout... and after that maybe I'll stay off my ass and do some strength training. I just need that nudge. It's been difficult lately since I'm off work for an entire month... it's so much easier to sleep in, lay around, and not do anything.

Today is my little brothers birthday. He's turning 12. It's crazy how fast he grows up. I miss when he was little, sometimes.
It was about a week or so ago when I was playing catch with him outside my parents house, and he said he could never imagine me or our mother being skinny.
Yes, we have been overweight his whole life. It makes me sad. I was 13 when he was born. I have been fat more than half of my life. Damn, that is depressing.
I am out to prove my brother wrong. Not to spite him, but to have him be proud of his sister, to see her as a great role model and leader.
I however, am glad that this is the way I have been all of his life so far though... would you like to know why?
So he isn't that boy... the boy that won't date a fat girl, the boy that will make fun of her with his friends, the boy who makes that fat girl cry at night. No... my brother WON'T be that boy.
My brother won't be that boy who broke my heart all those teenage years.

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